Okeydoke. I wanna emphasize that I'm not an anti-drug crusader or a puritanical asshole or anything, but I decided today to stop smoking pot; it's actually kind of ruining my life in an odd sort of way. A little back story: I recently broke up with my girlfriend (my choice). The last night I saw her, we were having a screaming and name-calling session which turned into a hot, bubbling pot of Shit by the end of the night, which ultimately ended in me getting arrested and put in jail overnight (jail sucks. But that's a story for another day). We were making so much noise arguing that the cops got called and I guess they felt like they would've looked silly if they didn't cart *someone* off, so they took me.
While I was sitting in the back of that cop car on the way to jail for the night, a thought occurred to me, one that I constantly repressed whenever it came to me; living my psuedo-stoner lifestyle was fucking me up. I constantly validated my pot smoking by claiming that I "only do it at night after I get all my important stuff done" or by saying it "was my substitute for Prozac". ...But what actual 'important stuff' was I getting done? A normal day for me consisted of watching TV, getting out of bed at about 1PM and pretty much just waiting with my girlfriend till about evening to just have people come over and smoke with us. Then we'd go to sleep, only to repeat the same cycle for essentially the rest of the week with some occasional breaks. I noticed that it was harder for me to care about things that were important. Basically, here's a short list of why it was becoming such a drain on me:
1.) I didn't know how to hang out or socialize with most people without smoking or drinking.
2.) My memory was being affected. I've always had the analytical kind of brain that could soak up new information like a sponge, but lately, I was feeling like I had fucking dementia! I'd walk into a room and completely forget why I'd walked in. Then when I'd get in the other room, I'd remember, then I'd forget again after going back.
3.) My sex drive was seriously impacted. My girlfriend and I used to do it every day for about the first year we dated, but once I started hard-core smoking, we stopped except for once or twice a week, if that. I'd started waking up physically and mentally drained from constantly being high or recovering from a night of drinking, that the old urge just wasn't there that often anymore.
4.)I ate basically nothing but junk-food and garbage, because that's when the cherry on a 'good night' sundae for me was treating myself to the very un-gourmet food at my local McDonald's or 7/11.
5.) My self-esteem was basically gone. I didn't ever want anyone to know I was high, so I'd be extra, extra nice and polite at the store or with people to the point where I felt almost like I was coming off as weird. Even when I wasn't high, I noticed that I still acted kinda socially awkward, afraid that I'd embarass myself. This was a really foreign thing for me, seeing as of how comfortable around people I'd been throughout my life before now.
6.) You're not emotionally or mentally 'there' for your friends or family when you're stoned. Pretty much half of what I said when I was baked were an assortment of silly bullshit opinions on everything from commercials to the 2Pac hologram to fluoride in the water, and the other half consisted of 'Uh huh"'s, "okay" and monosylabic shit like that. When you're depriving yourself of sobriety, it's hard to be concise or thoughtful about the stuff you say.
...Anyway, I'm only three days sober so far, but I'm actually loving it. I hope to keep this up either long-term, or until I'm at least 10 or 15 years older. lol. I just wanna experience life without a constant foggy feeling. Wish me luck!
